Day 11 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Rosalyn Eves
Jun15

Day 11 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Rosalyn Eves

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Rosalyn Eves Twitter | Website  Rosalyn Eves is a writer of romantic, lyrical, atmospheric young adult fantasy novels. Her first novel, BLOOD ROSE REBELLION, a historical fantasy set at the height of the Austro-Hungarian empire (with magic!) debuts March 2017 from Knopf/Random House. The 500 Word Critique . . . Young Adult Fantasy Now that my brothers are men, shoulders broad and corded with muscle, and I am almost a woman myself, there are moments when I think that they want to hit me. I see it in their eyes after I’ve spoken, or when they look up to see me join them at evening meal. Smash smash smash, their faces say, but their bodies stay still and controlled. (I’m intrigued by the conflict here—I want to know why her brothers resent her and why it’s their growing older that seems to have changed things. The slightly formal language suggests to me that this isn’t contemporary, but I don’t have any sense of where or when this is taking place. I think you can drop a few more hints here, maybe something about their eyes above their beards, or seeing them when she emerges from the women’s tent, etc.) It’s not all my brothers who want to hurt me, which is good because I have nine of them. It’s mostly Levi and Jude, though the others have little love for me, except for Ruben the firstborn.(These names make me think we’re dealing with a biblical story of Jacob’s sons, which helps ground me a little since I know the story, but I still want more grounding in terms of place and time. I also want to know why the brothers don’t love her, and why Levi and Jude in particular want to hurt her.) At the moment, Levi and Jude swim somewhere under my feet as they follow me to the surface. (I want a little more transition...

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Day 10 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Kevin Springer
Jun14

Day 10 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Kevin Springer

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Kevin Springer Website | Twitter | Goodreads Kevin is a self-proclaimed dreamer and a kid at heart. When he’s not writing or reading, he is coaching soccer or helping with homework. He lives outside of Atlanta with his wife, two extraordinary boys, and dogs. He is also a co-founder of the Middle Grade Mafia blog. The 500 Word Critique . . . Middle Grade Magical Realism   After his grandmother left, William lugged the bulky backpack up the stairs with an ache in his heart. He missed his grandfather. (Good emotion, but I felt like I came in at the middle of a chapter. Hook the reader.) William stopped in front of the family pictures hanging in the hallway that led to his bedroom. A stenciled row of small half-circles woven together in what was called an Irish trinity knot filled the space separating each frame. (Like the detail of the trinity, but had to re-read to get a picture in my head. Paint a vivid image to draw them into the hall with William) “Six generations of our family are on this wall.” Grandpa Woodman had told William just before Christmas. “One day your photo will go next to mine.” “What about Mom’s picture?” Grandpa Woodman bristled at the question. “One day, soon, you’ll understand what it takes to be on this wall.” This response only confused William more. He’d wanted to ask if she’d done something wrong. Instead, William listened as his grandfather droned on about the family’s Irish roots and the wall of ancestors for the millionth time. After Grandpa left, William asked his mother why her picture couldn’t hang next to the others. “Maybe one day it will be there.” Her answer didn’t help either. At the time, their answers only raised more questions. But William’s confusion ended when he read his grandfather’s letter. It opened William’s eyes to the Irish origins of...

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Day 10 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Destiny Cole
Jun14

Day 10 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Destiny Cole

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Destiny Cole   Twitter | Website   Destiny Cole knew from a young age that she was going to be a storyteller. Whether it was fantastical worlds or creepy villains, Destiny wants to tell the kind of stories that stay with you long after the last page is turned. Writing primarily YA thriller and mystery books, Destiny is repped by Kirsten Carleton at Prospect Agency and also works in digital marketing. When detached from her computer, she can be found entertaining her three kids and trying to convince her Belgian husband that she’s the funniest person he’s ever met. She and her family currently reside in Dallas, Texas. Find her on Twitter at @destinywrites or at destinycole.com The 500 Word Critique . . . Young Adult Fantasy A child darted past him, jostling his knee [jostling his knee makes me think he was sitting, but later on we see he’s walking. Another descriptor may be needed.]. Automatically, his hand went to his pocket. Brilliant. Now he would have to ask Escar to lend him the money for his ale. But even as he thought that, something else struck him. He’d left his map with Escar and the boys, sure [possibly use the word ‘confidant’ or something similar here. The use of ‘sure’ for some reason tripped me up every time I read the sentence and made me think it was saying something else.] he could remember the way to Dulcine Street on his own. But in his stewing, he’d lost track of his turns. He laughed, setting his fists on his hips [This Peter Pan move is a little awkward. Maybe more of a “runs a hand over his head” type thing would work better to show his resignation to his crappy night]. Well, the night clearly wanted to go badly, so why shouldn’t he be lost? Why not wander around a strange town at dusk with...

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Day 9 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Rachel Lynn Solomon
Jun13

Day 9 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Rachel Lynn Solomon

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Rachel Lynn Solomon Twitter | Website Rachel Lynn Solomon is a Seattle native who loves rainy days, tap dancing, red lipstick, and new wave music. Her debut contemporary YA novel, FINGERS CROSSED, will be out from Simon & Schuster/Simon Pulse in spring 2018, with a second book to follow in 2019. She’s represented by Laura Bradford of Bradford Literary Agency. You can find her online at rachelsolomonbooks.com and on Twitter @rlynn_solomon. The 500 Word Critique . . . Adult Women’s Historical Fiction   Saturday, July 11, 1896. I have arrived as an artist: Cottage 10B, Shinnecock Hills School of Art. Mrs. Patterson met me at the Easthampton station in her carriage. She was old, her hair white, her face lined and tanned. She wore a black straw hat bedecked with silk lilies of the valley (Return of Happiness!). She told me I was “clever” to bring a wheelchair to transport art supplies around, and that artists were always surprising her with their creative ideas. I thought of telling her about my asthma, as she was going to take care of me. But I decided no. This isn’t related to setting, but why does your MC decide not to tell her? There’s a bit more to explore here, I think! She had a face I might like to draw—dotted with big freckles and a quick smile—although I don’t have much practice drawing people. Her breath smelled of anise. Love this description of her! It shows us right away that your MC is an artist and gives us an interesting detail: that she doesn’t really draw people. As we rode in her carriage, I thanked her for taking me into her home. This is a great chance to add some description of the carriage and where they’re riding. Is the ride bumpy? What does your MC see out the window? Are there smells from the outside that drift into the...

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Day 9 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Jennifer Hawkins
Jun13

Day 9 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Jennifer Hawkins

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Jennifer Hawkins Twitter | Website Jennifer Hawkins writes Young Adult fiction, and she’s passionate about stories sprinkled with magic and romance. She’s an editor for Author Accelerator and a 2016 YARWA Rosemary Award double-finalist. She lives in Houston with her husband, two sons, and lap dog Great Dane, where she sometimes still uses her nursing degree on a per diem basis. When she isn’t working or maxed out on mom duties, you can find her poolside, sipping sweet tea and lost in a good book. The 500 Word Critique . . . Young Adult Contemporary  As the afternoon grows, so do the waves. [While I really like the way you mention the waves in this opening sentence (I love the beach!), the verb feels off. Waves grow larger, yes, but afternoons don’t grow larger, so it seems incongruent. You could rework this by using a verb that makes sense with both. Maybe stretches?] Primo four footers up and down the shore. [What does “primo” mean to your main character? Just a word or two would paint a clearer image. i.e., Primo four-footers so glassy you can see through them, breaking slowly up and down the shore.] The best I’ve seen this side of Malibu in a long time. [This is good. Implies this MC has been surfing for a while, so maybe he/she is an advanced surfer? That could be reflected in the way you describe the primo aspect of the waves above.] But along with some rad waves comes longer lineups. [And how does this make your MC feel? Impatient? Annoyed? I’m not getting a sense of how he/she is feeling about this contrast of positve (bigger waves) and negative (longer lineups). Right now, it’s just fact stating.] Longer lineups means less surfing more frubing. [I’ve never heard this word before, so I looked it up. Urban dictionary tells me this is gross, and I don’t understand...

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Day 8 (Part 2) of the June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Sonia Hartl
Jun10

Day 8 (Part 2) of the June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Sonia Hartl

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Sonia Hartl Website  |  Twitter I’m an author of young adult contemporary stories and a reader of anything I can get my hands on (books, cereal boxes, bumper stickers). Like most writers, I got my start making up stories as a kid. Mostly about penguins and the North Pole. As a teenager I moved on to bad, angsty poetry before creating longer works of fiction. My first manuscript was an impressive 180,000 words, after which I spent a few years writing short fiction to learn how to say more by saying less. My work has appeared in the The Writers Post Journal, Boston Literary Magazine, and the anthology Bearing North. I’m a member of SCBWI and represented by Rebecca Podos of Rees Literary Agency. The 500 Word Critique . . . New Adult Fantasy   Apart from Lea, they showed no sign whatsoever that they had even noticed me entering the office room. That much were they engrossed into their stupid poker game. [This sentence reads a bit wonky to me, maybe reword?] Nina stretched herself like a giant ginger cat and kept sending enigmatic smiles to Lea who showed nothing but the perfect poker face. I could have bet she even tried to play footsie with him. [There are a lot of names being dropped in this opening paragraph, and I have no idea who is who and why they are relevant. The scene hasn’t really been set, I don’t have a good grasp of what this looks and feels like, and it’s pretty much all telling without showing what is going on in the room. Like mentioning that no one noticed your MC except Lea, but no showing of how Lea noticed your MC or showing the other characters ignoring the MC. No details about the office or blocking of the scene. Are all these people seated around a table? How is Nina stretched out...

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Day 8 of the June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor K.T. Hanna
Jun10

Day 8 of the June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor K.T. Hanna

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor K.T. Hanna Blog | Twitter | Facebook | Wattpad Tumblr | Instagram | Google+ KT Hanna has a love for words so extreme, a single word can spark entire worlds. Born in Australia, she met her husband in a computer game, moved to the U.S.A. and went into culture shock. Bonus? Not as many creatures specifically out to kill you. When she’s not writing, she freelance edits for Chimera Editing, plays computer games, and chases her daughter, husband, corgi, and cat. No, she doesn’t sleep. She is entirely powered by the number 2, caffeine, and beef jerky. Note: Still searching for her Tardis The 500 Word Critique . . . Adult Thriller [I want to start by saying: Toward the end of this section there’s a spark of interest, and if the setting was a bit more tangible, I would be eager to read more. However, knowing this is a thriller, I don’t get any atmospheric feeling from this first page. I get the feeling it starts in the wrong place, but not knowing the story, I can’t say that with 100% conviction. I’ve gone through and made suggestions anyway, but I do urge you to look at your story and see if this is the best way to start. If this isn’t where it starts, but partway through instead, make sure to try and increase the atmosphere (my suggestions are just suggestions, guidelines that will hopefully help you – I’m not saying this is how it must be done.)]   The jet was black and larger than other aircraft on the strip. The stairs were already down, cool air escaping from within. Chase had flown before, but always shared planes with eighty other souls. This was a private jet and looked expensive as hell. He’d have been more excited had his pilot not been twelve. “How many hundreds of thousands did this cost?”   [Right here you’re telling me things instead of showing them. The jet...

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Day 7 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop With Pitch Wars Mentor Addie Thorley
Jun09

Day 7 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop With Pitch Wars Mentor Addie Thorley

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Addie Thorley Website | Twitter  Addie Thorley writes Young Adult historical fiction and fantasy. She has a passion for multicultural stories with exotic locales and anything with magic and KISSING! When she’s not writing, Addie works as a professional equestrian and does everything from riding award-winning show horses to training wild mustangs. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and wolf dog and enjoys gallivanting in the woods, running, and eating cookies in her spare time. She is represented by Kathleen Rushall of the Andrea Brown Literary Agency. The 500 Word Critique . . . Middle Grade Steampunk Adventure Wil inserted the brass key and turned it until the lock clicked. He hesitated. Uncle Henry had never allowed him in the attic. But his uncle was gone and Aunt Edith barely recognized him. He pocketed the key in his loose cotton trousers, pushed open the door and reached for the lantern. Holding it up, he stepped inside and closed the heavy wooden door–well, mostly, leaving it cracked for a quick escape. (This is a great first paragraph! It hooked me right away. I love that we get an insight into Wil’s family situation, and you’ve done a fantastic job setting the scene. Specific details like the brass key, his loose cotton trousers (rather than something more modern/ordinary like jeans), and using a lantern instead of switching on a light or grabbing a flashlight really help to ground us in your world. I also love the sense of mystery/ danger you’ve created with the cracked door.) The room was larger than he expected with high ceilings. (I think you can push this description harder. This is our first glimpse of the forbidden attic—really dig in and set the scene. Does it have a smell? That’s usually the first thing I notice about attics. How large is “bigger than expected”? Can you compare it to something that would reveal more about this world? Are...

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Day 7 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Stephanie Scott
Jun09

Day 7 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Stephanie Scott

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Stephanie Scott Website | Twitter | Instagram Stephanie is a Young Adult writer whose debut ALTERATIONS is set for release in 2016 by Bloomsbury Spark. She’s an active member of Romance Writers of America and its online YA chapter YARWA. She enjoys dance fitness and cat memes, and Pinterest is driving her broke. Born and raised in Kalamazoo where there are no zoos, she’s a Midwest girl at heart. She now lives outside of Chicago with her tech-of-all-trades husband. You can find her chatting about TV and all things books on twitter and Instagram at @StephScottYA The 500 Word Critique . . . New Adult Contemporary Romance “Believe me; I’m not going to let a chance to have you forever get away.” “Okay,” I said, exhaling deeply and putting aside all fears and uncertainties and deciding to go with it. I felt at ease for once, at peace somehow, knowing that he would not hurt me. “Come on, let’s go. I know you are hungry; you must be with all that work this morning”, he said, his smile appealing to the growing hunger deep within my loins. Grabbing my hand, we walked to the parking garage, got in his car, and left. He plugged in his iPod and selected a playlist called driving tunes. Jake Owen’s Real Life started playing and I looked over at Nicholas.   The first instance of setting here is the parking garage. This is a good place to show some character point of view though the setting details. If you want to go for more humor, you could take the loins comment and tie that in. Something like, He smiled, and despite our walk through a very public parking garage, my loins signaled, get him alone. When they’re in the car, how does it feel to be in an enclosed space with someone your Main Character (MC) is so turned on by?...

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VLOG: 10 Ways to Prep for Pitch Wars in Under 5 Minutes

Pitch Wars is just around the corner. Here are a few ways you can start prepping now! How else do you like to prep for Pitch Wars? Leave your suggestion in the comments below!

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Day 6 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Susan Bishop Crispell
Jun08

Day 6 (Part 2) of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Susan Bishop Crispell

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Susan Bishop Crispell  Twitter | Website I am the author of the forthcoming women’s fiction novels THE SECRET INGREDIENT OF WISHES (Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press, 2016), and THE PROBABILITY OF FATE (Thomas Dunne/St. Martin’s Press, 2017). I have a B.F.A. in creative writing from The University of North Carolina – Wilmington. I live and write near Wilmington, NC with my husband, Mark, and our two literary-named cats. Aside from writing, I obsess over swoony fictional boys and baked goods and watch quirky TV shows, most of which canceled way before their time (and I have a wax lion to prove it!).   The 500 Word Critique . . . Adult Historical Fiction Leslie Martin   The town of Welch, West Virginia was not large by any stretch of the imagination. [Instead of telling us the town is small, describe it in a way that shows some of William’s personality (e.g., The town of Welch, West Virginia could have fit in William’s Army-issued rucksack with room to spare.).] William knew that before he went off to war, but while he was in Europe it must have shrunk. [Nice.] Of all of those blocks he had walked in Paris, just the path from the hospital to his favorite park bench [I like this idea, but it needs more context to help the reader see it. How far is the park? Across the street from the hospital or two corners over?] would have taken him from one side of his hometown to the other. When he stepped off the train onto the platform he could see the northern and southern edges of town [What marks the edges of town? Do the buildings stop and trees or flat road take over? Is there a landmark that signals the beginning of the town (water tower, flag pole, etc?)] from where he stood just by turning his head. Above the roof of the train station,...

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Day 6 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Pintip Dunn
Jun08

Day 6 of June Setting Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Pintip Dunn

Welcome to June’s Setting Workshop! From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample chosen by the writers from a place he or she felt needed help with setting. We hope that not only you’ll learn a little bit about setting that you can apply to your own writing, but that you’ll also be able to get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors and their editing styles. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Pintip Dunn   Website  |  Twitter When my first-grade teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I replied, “An author.” Although I have pursued other interests over the years, this dream has never wavered. I graduated from Harvard University, magna cum laude, with an A.B. in English Literature and Language. I received my J.D. at Yale Law School, where I was an editor of the YALE LAW JOURNAL. I published an article in the YALE LAW JOURNAL, entitled, “How Judges Overrule: Speech Act Theory and the Doctrine of Stare Decisis,” and received the Barry S. Kaplan Prize for best paper in Law and Literature. I am represented by literary agent Beth Miller of Writers House. I’m a 2012 Golden Heart® finalist and a 2014 double-finalist. I’m a member of Romance Writers of America, Washington Romance Writers, YARWA, and The Golden Network. I live with my husband and children in Maryland. The 500 Word Critique . . . YA Sci Fi   Mars Year 103, Month 7, Sols 414 (Universal Solar Time) Earth Year 2148, April 15th   I slanted a glance [you could just say “glanced” here. It’s cleaner.] out the window. Every time, I expected to catch a glimpse of the Old Planet. But all I saw was black, vast empty space. [I think you could add some detail in one or other of the previous two sentences. If the space really was black emptiness, perhaps you can say what she expected to see of the old planet — greens, blues? what does a planet look like from space?] The Epoch1955 had been my home for the last twelve universal weeks. And though I knew it’d be years before I could download, [this verb threw me off; I don’t know exactly what you mean, and it is better to be more clear at the beginning so that the reader can ease into the world] I’d hoped to see Earth from a distance. No such luck. I glared at my wristband for what had...

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