Day 35 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query & 1st Page Workshop with mentors, Helene Dunbar, Beth Hull, & Heather Cashman
Jun26

Day 35 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query & 1st Page Workshop with mentors, Helene Dunbar, Beth Hull, & Heather Cashman

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Co-Mentors Helene Dunbar and Beth Hull … Helene Dunbar is the author of THESE GENTLE WOUNDS (Flux, 2014), WHAT REMAINS (Flux, 2015) and BOOMERANG (coming from Sky Pony in 2018). Over the years, she’s worked as a drama critic, journalist, and marketing manager, and has written on topics as diverse as Irish music, court cases, theater, and Native American Indian tribes. She lives in Nashville with her husband and daughter and exists on a steady diet of readers’ tears. Represented by Lauren MacLeod at The Strothman Agency. Twitter | Website | Amazon Author Page In less than a second… … two of the things Cal Ryan cares most about–a promising baseball career and Lizzie, one of his best friends–are gone forever. In the hours that follow… …Cal’s damaged heart is replaced. But his life will never be the same. Everyone expects him to pick up the pieces and move on. But Lizzie is gone, and all that remains for Cal is an overwhelming sense that her death was his fault. And a voice in his head that just…won’t…stop. Cal thought he and his friends could overcome any obstacle. But grief might be the one exception. And that might take a lifetime to accept… GOODREADS | AMAZON | BARNES AND NOBLE | INDIEBOUND   Beth hull lives in northern California with her husband, two kids, and cat. She overuses parentheses and ampersands. She writes short stories and young adult novels. Twitter | Website         Helene and Beth’s Query Critique . . . AGE CATEGORY: Young Adult GENRE: Fantasy Amazing thatTthe first time I seeBrie saw New York, she wasn’t I am notamazed by the ciaos [chaos?] , but by the fact that she wasI am basically in at a buffet and I haved no desire to feed on anyone. [Just demonstrating, in this first sentence, the third person tone this should take throughout] We [who is “we?”] walked [switch...

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Day 35 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query and 1st Page Workshop with mentors, Monica M. Hoffman and Natasha Raulerson
Jun26

Day 35 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query and 1st Page Workshop with mentors, Monica M. Hoffman and Natasha Raulerson

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Monica M. Hoffman … Twitter | Website Monica M. Hoffman is a Young Adult Science Fiction and Fantasy author represented by Laurie McLean and Tricia Skinner of Fuse Literary. She is an active member of SCBWI, RWA, and the writing community. She dislikes getting up early, but a good cup of coffee can usually motivate her. She enjoys any movie/book (particularly fantasy and Sci-fi) that can make her cry, laugh, or gets her blood pumping from an adrenaline rush. She’s a Trekkie, Dr. Who, and Star Wars fanatic, and a PC gamer when she’s not writing or reading. You can find her tweets about all things YA lit & entertaining GIFs on Twitter (@mmhoffman14) and Facebook.     Monica’s Query Critique . . . AGE CATEGORY: Adult GENRE: Romantic Suspense Strength, at times, comes from odd places in unusual situations; the power of the addict pushing through to recovery, the cry of the mother in want of her child, or the ability to move forward when death rips the hope of a future from your grasp.  Lilly has seen [or experienced?] them all and is determined to rise. [Rise to what? I would define what she’s trying to overcome right off. At this point I’m not sure if she’s the one that has had to go through all of these issues. Reading this the first time, I felt the hook was missing. I would start off with your MC, Lilly. For example: Lilly (insert last name) found strength comes from odd places in unusual situations; an addict on the road to recovery, the cry of the mother in want of her child, or the ability to move forward when death rips hope of a future from your grasp.] Her child depends on it. [This makes me think she has experienced this. I would be very clear upfront...

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