Day 26 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query & 1st Page Workshop with mentors, Natasha Razi & Kelly Hopkins
Jun13

Day 26 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query & 1st Page Workshop with mentors, Natasha Razi & Kelly Hopkins

  Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Mentor, Natasha Razi … Disability in Kidlit | Twitter It’s been half a year since Natasha Razi has stayed in the same country for longer than three weeks, so who knows where she is at the time you’re reading this. Probably somewhere with less vegetables than she wants there to be. When her health cooperates, she works as an environmental consultant. She spends the rest of her time writing fantasy novels, playing Broadway songs on endless repeat, and staying up way past her bedtime.   Natasha’s Query  Critique . . . AGE CATEGORY: Young Adult GENRE: Epic Fantasy Dear Pitch War Mentor: Thank you for this excellent Pitch Wars critique opportunity! [You’re welcome. ;)] Impulsive teenaged [I like that you start with a character trait; gives us a sense of her right away. For YA, I always recommend writing the character’s age rather than just identifying them as a teenager] Aunia always knew her dad was keeping secrets[,] but it wasn’t until the Bogeyman abducted him before she began to find out why. [I love the structure of status quo –> inciting incident –> what happens now, but the phrasing doesn’t quite make sense to me; maybe replace ‘before’ with ‘that?’ I also think “keeping secrets might be too vague — can you say anything more specific?] To rescue him, she’ll need help from her first crush, a pegasi flyer, in order to navigate through her deceased mother’s lands to the cloud-castle of Tatia located on the doorway of Faerie and win the means to a magical window — if, of course, it still exists. [This sentence is too long and contains way too much information. “To rescue him, Alia and her first crush must travel to the cloud-castle of Tatia to win a magic window — if, of course, it still exists.] [On another note, don’t include too...

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Day 26 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query & 1st Page Workshop with mentors, J.C. Nelson & Jenni L. Walsh
Jun13

Day 26 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query & 1st Page Workshop with mentors, J.C. Nelson & Jenni L. Walsh

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Mentor, J.C. Nelson … Website | Twitter Hey, I’m a 40-something author living in the rainy Pacific Northwest, with an ark’s worth of animals and four kids I love.   The Reburialists by J.C. Nelson Amazon | Barnes & Noble | iTunes Burying the dead is easy. Keeping them down is difficult. At the Bureau of Special Investigations, agents encounter all sorts of paranormal evils. So for Agent Brynner Carson, driving a stake through a rampaging three-week-old corpse is par for the course. Except this cadaver is different. It’s talking—and it has a message about his father, Heinrich. The reanimated stiff delivers an ultimatum written in bloody hieroglyphics, and BSI Senior Analyst Grace Roberts is called in to translate. It seems that Heinrich Carson stole the heart of Ra-Ame, the long-dead god of the Re-Animus. She wants it back. The only problem is Heinrich took the secret of its location to his grave. With the arrival of Ra-Ame looming and her undead army wreaking havoc, Brynner and Grace must race to find the key to stopping her. It’s a race they can’t afford to lose, but then again, it’s just another day on the job . . .   J.C. Nelson’s Query  Critique . . . AGE CATEGORY: New Adult GENRE: Thriller Dear Ms. Agent, Lucia, a small town girl dreaming of how to escape her mundane life, is at her job as a gas station clerk when a car crashes through the storefront, narrowly missing her but mowing over her patrons. As the dust settles and emergency crews arrive, she realizes her former high school sweetheart and drug-addicted ex-boyfriend is dead in the driver’s seat. It’s up to Lucia and her lover Reece, a locally assigned state trooper, to bring the killers to justice and release their small town from a deadly web of vicious enemies. Trading her...

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