Day 6 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors, Sarah Hawthorne and J.C. Davis
May16

Day 6 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors, Sarah Hawthorne and J.C. Davis

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Sarah Hawthorne … Sarah Hawthorne lives in the Pacific Northwest where she drinks too much coffee, plans a lot of vacations and writes romance novels. Her native habitats include her garden and the local library. Sarah received a Bachelor’s Degree from California State Polytechnic University of Pomona, Los Angeles with a major in history and a minor in English. She is the author of the Demon Horde Motorcycle Club Series. The series is a sweeter take on motorcycle club/biker romance genre, published by Carina Press/Harlequin. She is represented by Jessica Alvarez at BookEnds Literary. Sarah was a 2016 Golden Heart Finalist (contemporary short) and the winner of the 2015 Heart to Heart Award (erotica).  You can visit her online at www.sarahhawthorne.com and on Twitter at: @SarahRHawthorne     Rebel Custody by Sarah Hawthorne . . . Released: May 1st 2017 | Available on Amazon A son in danger  The Demon Horde MC are no strangers to breaking the rules, but making a man pay to get his son back crosses one too many lines for Skeeter. He’ll do anything, including play by the book, if it means bringing his son home. Hiring straitlaced attorney Miriam Englestein is meant to solve his problems, not create new ones. One look at her and his good-guy facade goes out the window. He wants to throw his buttoned-up lawyer onto the back of his bike and make her his. A woman at risk  Miri wants nothing to do with the club. Her father may be in their pocket, but she’s on the right side of the law and she intends to stay there. But there’s something about Skeeter’s plea—something about him—she can’t walk away from. While she’s tempted to let him do unspeakably wicked and delicious things to her, she can’t risk her law practice, or her heart. A dangerous deception   When Miriam agrees...

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Day 6 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors, Susan Gray Foster and Melissa Marino
May16

Day 6 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors, Susan Gray Foster and Melissa Marino

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Susan Gray Foster … Website | Twitter Susan Gray Foster was born into a family of avid readers and has been hoping to impress them with her writing ever since. When she’s not struggling in her quest to spin words into magic, she helps her high school students find the magic in classic literature, and helps other writers discover the magic in their own writing, both as a freelance editor and as a book coach at Author Accelerator. Susan believes in creativity and empathy, and enjoys tea, songwriting, reading, and hanging out with her dogs. She lives with her ever-patient Aussie husband in Arizona’s beautiful Sonoran Desert, and she’s her kids’ number one fan. Her YA fiction is represented by Caitlin Blasdell, Liza Dawson Associates. Susan’s Query Critique . . . Dear Agent, Owls eat gnomes, so it’s no wonder the whole colony wants to banish Poppy Thistlebit when the first time a magic coat is wrapped around her shoulders, she spreads a pair of feathery wings and hoots at the assembly. [I love that a conflict is introduced in this opening sentence, and I love the image of her sprouting wings, but the sentence is a little convoluted, which results in losing much of its impact.] The middle grade fantasy novel Poppy Thistlebit and the Magic Coat introduces an enchanting world of gnomes within the realistic world of men and is about 64,800 words. [You’ve already said there are gnomes, so I don’t think it adds much to repeat it here. Maybe just state the genre. Also, it’s customary to round the word count to the nearest thousand.] Poppy was expected to die young because of a deformed hand, [Is this significant enough to the story to include in the query?] but now after twelve years of hiding in the family burrow, her Coat Day has arrived.  [You’re jumping back and forth...

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