Day 4 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors, Monica M. Hoffman and Caela Carter
May12

Day 4 (Part 2): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors, Monica M. Hoffman and Caela Carter

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Monica M. Hoffman … Monica M. Hoffman is a Young Adult Science Fiction and Fantasy author represented by Laurie McLean and Tricia Skinner of Fuse Literary. She is an active member of SCBWI, RWA, and the writing community. She dislikes getting up early, but a good cup of coffee can usually motivate her. She enjoys any movie/book (particularly fantasy and Sci-fi) that can make her cry, laugh, or gets her blood pumping from an adrenaline rush. She’s a Trekkie, Dr. Who, and Star Wars fanatic, and a PC gamer when she’s not writing or reading. You can find her tweets about all things YA lit & entertaining GIFs on Twitter (@mmhoffman14) and Facebook. Twitter | Website Monica’s Query Critique . . . AGE CATEGORY: Young Adult GENRE: Fantasy Dear Agent, Seventeen-year-old Ariel lives in two worlds. One is reality. The other is a beautiful [I would cut “beautiful” because the word “fantasy” encompasses the word] fantasy world where magic is real and inspires her drawings. As a reclusive high school graduate, she is uncertain of what path in life she should take and wants to escape into the pages of her sketchbook, but her aunt pressures her to aim for a practical college-bound future. [This next sentence is good, but if you can find a way to condense, do it, because the next paragraph is where the hook really happens. You want to pull that agent in as fast as possible.] When she accepts an art internship from a mentor named Vilfore, he reveals the truth: the world of Ariel’s dreams is a parallel realm called Aethris, and he is a sorcerer who wants to recruit her as an apprentice in his world where armies of sorcerers retain peace within the ruling empire. [This is a long sentence. I’d find a way to break it...

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Day 4 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors Diana Gallagher, Katrina Emmel, and Kit Frick
May12

Day 4 (Part 1): Pitch Wars Query and First Page Workshop with mentors Diana Gallagher, Katrina Emmel, and Kit Frick

Welcome to our Query and 1st Page Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected writers to participate in our query and first page workshops. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a query or 500 word opening from our lucky winners. We’ll be posting four critiques per day (except weekends) through July 7. Our hope is that these samples will help shine up your query and first page and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors. We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. First up we have … Pitch Wars Mentors Diana Gallagher and Katrina Emmel … Katrina Emmel grew up in New Hampshire and has been migrating westward ever since. Now a Californian, she work as a technical chemistry consultant, and writes YA and adult contemporary and historical romance. Follow her on Twitter: Twitter | Website       Though Diana Gallagher be but little, she is fierce. She’s also a gymnastics coach and judge, former collegiate gymnast, and writing professor. Her work has appeared in The Southampton Review, International Gymnast, The Couch Gymnast, The Gymternet, and on a candy cigarette box for SmokeLong Quarterly. She holds an MFA from Stony Brook University and is represented by Tina Wexler of ICM Partners. Her contemporary YA novel, Lessons in Falling, released this February. Twitter | Website Diana’s recent book … Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Indiebound | iBooks | Book Depository | Powell’s | Goodreads LESSON ONE: Playing it safe beats taking chances. After an injury ends Savannah’s dream of a college gymnastics scholarship, she quits despite her parents’ protests. She won’t risk breaking her body—and heart—again. LESSON TWO: Catch your best friend when she falls—or regret it forever. Rules are meant to be broken, according to Savannah’s best friend, Cassie—and it’s more fun to break them together. But when Cassie attempts suicide, Savannah’s left wondering how well she really knows her. LESSON THREE: Learning to leap forward, not knowing where you’ll land, is the hardest of all. Falling for Marcos wasn’t part of the plan. Not only did he save Cassie’s life, he also believes Savannah can still achieve her dreams. Except Cassie thinks Marcos and gymnastics will only break Savannah’s heart. As Savannah tumbles and twists through toxic friendships and crushing parental expectations, she realizes you never know who will be there when you fall. Diana and Katrina’s Query Critique . . . Dear [Agent’s name], Avid-gamer...

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