Day 13 (Part 2) of May’s Voice Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Michelle Hauck
May18

Day 13 (Part 2) of May’s Voice Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Michelle Hauck

Welcome to May’s Voice Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample that the writer chose from his or her manuscript where he or she felt they needed help with their voice. Our hope that these samples will help you with your work and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors.We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Michelle Hauck Website  |  Twitter  |  Facebook Michelle Hauck lives in the bustling metropolis of northern Indiana with her hubby and two college kids. Besides working with special needs children by day, she writes all sorts of fantasy, giving her imagination free range. She is a co-host of the yearly query contests Query Kombat, Nightmare on Query Street, New Agent, Picture Book Party, and Sun versus Snow. Her Birth of Saints trilogy from Harper Voyager starts with GRUDGING and FAITHFUL on November 15, 2016. She has another epic fantasy entitled KINDAR’S CURE.       Michelle’s 500 Word Critique . . . NA Urban Fantasy “How many of those CDs do you have at home?” Nomi asks when we proceed on. (I’m going to assume this is the opening scene for this critique. I have to give a warning that opening with dialogue is usually considered a bad idea. Also I’m not sure what the characters are doing or talking about for several paragraphs and that’s rather a turn off, at least for me. There’s really no need to be mysterious about the setting or their conversation. Save the mystery for more important matters. A brief set-up so we know what’s happening would be helpful. Maybe a quick description of the sun on the water and sand spilling onto the boardwalk. Plus, “proceed” is an odd choice as we don’t know what they are proceeding with. Cards? Drinking? My guess was walking and it turned out to be correct. Maybe change to something like: Nomi asks as we walk arm in arm. The sun cast sparkling reflections on the ocean and the salty breeze tickles my nose. Something to give us an idea of what’s happening.) “What do you mean? As of this one, I have this one.” (I’d try and reword so you don’t repeat the word “one.” Using fresh words makes writing more...

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Day 13 (Part 1) of May’s Voice Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Sharon Johnston
May18

Day 13 (Part 1) of May’s Voice Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentor Sharon Johnston

Welcome to May’s Voice Workshop with some of our amazing Pitch Wars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected over thirty writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a 500 word sample that the writer chose from his or her manuscript where he or she felt they needed help with their voice. Our hope that these samples will help you with your work and that you’ll get to know some of our wonderful Pitch Wars mentors.We appreciate our mentors for giving up their time to do the critiques. If you have something encouraging to add, feel free to comment below. Please keep all comments tasteful. We will delete any inappropriate or hurtful ones. And now we have … Pitch Wars Mentor Sharon Johnston Website  |  Twitter After growing up listening to my father reading fables, folklore and, it’s no surprise I love stories. As soon as I could read, my nose was firmly in a book. I love reading, listening to audio books and writing. I write weird fiction and soulful contemporaries.  My NA SFF, DIVIDED, is out with City Owl Press. I have short stories in anthologies: WORDS WITH HEART, NEVER BE YOUNGER, THE BASICS OF LIFE and THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CHESTER LEWIS. My short story Karma was also runner-up in The Australian Literary Review’s short story competition. I regularly co-host Pitch Madness and am also a regular Pitch Wars mentor. As well as blogging here, I also blog with YAtopia and Aussie Owned & Read, where I contribute to discussions on the love of literature and the publishing industry in general. I have a gorgeous husband, aka the hottie hubby, and two wonderful boys. Well known for my fantastic taste in shoes, I’ve actually been stalked by women wanting to know where I got my high heels from. I also have a love of fur-babies – cats and guinea pigs specifically. Sharon’s 500 Word Critique . . . YA Science Fiction The smell of icebergs, of eternal winter, crept up my nose. Not many people have been in a location where they are icebergs, so starting with that description is hindering the audience from connecting with the imagery you want to create. But most people know the smell of winter, that crisp smell that is almost a shock to the system. So I would start with: The smell of eternal winter crept up my nose. And if you wanted to keep the icebergs in there you could add: as the wind danced around the icebergs.  The sea beyond sparkled beneath a crust of dying snowflakes, bedazzled like our blinking metropolis. Nice voice in this description....

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