Day Sixteen of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors… Marty Mayberry and Catherine Scully
Jul22

Day Sixteen of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors… Marty Mayberry and Catherine Scully

Welcome to July’s First Page Workshop with some of our past and present PitchWars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected many wonderful writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a first page for one lucky writer. The writers are anonymous. Follow along all month to view the first page critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques … Marty Mayberry Website | Twitter  Marty Mayberry writes anything from young adult sci-fi to adult historical fantasy. When she’s not dreaming up ways to mess with her character’s minds, she works as an RN/Clinical Documentation Specialist. She has a BA in International Affairs in German and an Associate’s Degree in Nursing. She lives in New England with her husband and grown children, as well as three neurotic cats and a geriatric chocolate lab. Give her a long walk on a powdery beach, an ancient ruin to explore, or a good book, and her life’s complete. Her young adult sci-fi thriller, PHOENIX RISING, was recently named a Finalist for the YARWA Rosemary Award. She’s represented by Jessica Watterson of the Sandra Dijkstra Agency.   Marty’s first page critique … Always keep a suitcase packed. That’s rule number one for being a foster kid. <<If you really wanted to get the reader’s attention with the first sentence, then combine these into one strong sentence. Rule number one for surviving foster care is always keep a suitcase packed. It’s especially the case for me. <<You can voice this up a bit more because this line is a little flat.  In the past fifteen years, I’ve been in twenty-three homes, fourteen schools and four jail cells. Just got out of cell number four last month. <<elaborate a bit here…you’ve got my attention, but you’re almost overloading me with facts instead of showing me who your character is. My current foster mama insisted on nabbing me out prior to the arraignment despite the fact that I told her I wouldn’t mind spending the night—saving her the trip. Wouldn’t be the first time. <There’s a lot of information in this paragraph. While world building is great, it’s often better to ground the reader in a character first, especially if you can do it with voice. So three weeks and about a dozen stern lectures later, including two from my oh-so-pleasant case manager, Foster Mama and I sit side by side in the highly esteemed Carmen County Courthouse located in the prime of bustling Archibold, Kansas, ready for the hearing. <<Break this up. It’s really long and you’re...

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