Day Fourteen of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Sharon Johnston
Jul20

Day Fourteen of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Sharon Johnston

Welcome to July’s First Page Workshop with some of our past and present PitchWars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected many wonderful writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a first page for one lucky writer. The writers are anonymous. Follow along all month to view the first page critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques … Sharon Johnston Website | Twitter | Goodreads | Buy Her Book Sharon is an author of weird fiction and soulful contemporaries from a sunny part of Australia, and recently started as an editor for Elderflower Press and Lakewater Press. She loves shoes, cats, guinea pigs and unicorns. Sharon’s first page critique … Rhea saw red as a fist careened into her jaw. I’m not overly a fan of using ‘as’ in an opening sentence as I feel like it lessens the impact. I love openings to really pop. This one is close, but not quite there for me. “I don’t care if you’re a daughter of the gods,” Erro said, pushing his other hand harder against her throat. “I’ll kill you right now for talking to me that way.” Nice way to introduce some background information. I don’t feel like you need “other” in there. The jeers of the crowd that had amassed in the alleyway behind the tavern grew louder by the minute, but all Rhea could hear was her heartbeat in her skull. I’m someone who is picky with descriptions. Her heart doesn’t pound in her skull, it pounds in her chest. I’d prefer the blood pounding through her skull, in time with her heartbeat, or something like that. As his clutch grew tighter, her airway became smaller and smaller—until she wheezed. Can you find a better way to describe this? For a life or death situation it doesn’t reflect it in the last two-thirds. She could either act now, or die here behind the biggest tavern in the Southlands. She would never see the rest of Remelaun, and her tenure as the Krimsal—a bringer of change the likes of which is only seen once every hundred years—would come to an untimely end. Here you introduced two concepts that are obviously closely linked to the world building, and I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’d get through the action first and then get into the more complex world building. All over a spilled mead. This is one of my favourite lines. I though it injected a really nice bit of humour and helped establish voice. To be fair, the fight...

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