Day Seven of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Juliana L. Brandt & Jami Nord
Jul09

Day Seven of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Juliana L. Brandt & Jami Nord

Welcome to July’s First Page Workshop with some of our past and present PitchWars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected many wonderful writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a first page for one lucky writer. The writers are anonymous. Follow along all month to view the first page critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques …   Juliana L. Brandt Website | Twitter Juliana writes Middle Grade and Young adult fiction. Her writing is represented by Emmanuelle Morgen of the Stonesong Literary Agency. When she’s not writing, she can be found exploring the Appalachian Mountains with her family and dog, learning how to rock climb, and teaching Kindergarten. Juliana’s first page critique … Some boys blink or stutter when nervous, but Skyler got the gift of the streaming snodberry. Like his freckled cheeks and pea-green eyes, it was a family trait. Which is why, as his cousins clobbered him for three days straight, Skyler showered them with snodberries. While this introduction has an interesting voice in it, I think it could be better placed and moved to a later point. You’re telling us information rather than really setting the scene. I actually had to read this paragraph threw a few times purely because I’d never heard them called “snodberries” before. If I were you, I’d spend these very important, precious words setting details. Achoo! Chad, his oldest cousin, flinched, and said, “Stop sneezing!” Chad squeezed Skyler’s arms and pinned him to a trash-glacier near his mother’s tin shack. What tin shack? We have to be careful that we don’t have objects popping up out of nowhere. This is why it’s so important to set the scene first. Sandwiched between Chad and the frosted dock, Skyler squirmed and tried to blink flakes of snow off his lashes. Ahh, so it’s winter. That’s an important detail. His two younger cousins Brad and Tad circled, shoulders low, swaying like gorillas. Their fathers had named them Bradley and Thaddeus but the short names fit better. They all rhymed with mad. You can move these last two lines to a later point as it’s not currently adding anything to this scene. Keep us focused on the MC. Chad raised a fist to Skyler’s face. “Give us the cheese!” Cheese? What exactly is the situation that’s taking place? Achoo! Skyler couldn’t help it. A web of boogers splashed across Chad’s face. “Grrr.” Chad shirked off the spittle. His rusty curls unfurled like snakes around his head. Excellent imagery! “Get off me!” Skyler...

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