Day Five of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors…Dannie Morin & Trisha Leaver
Jul07

Day Five of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors…Dannie Morin & Trisha Leaver

Welcome to July’s First Page Workshop with some of our past and present PitchWars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected many wonderful writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a first page for one lucky writer. The writers are anonymous. Follow along all month to view the first page critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques …   Dannie Morin             Dannie is an addictions therapist with a writing problem. By day she alternates between counseling teens and wrangling a very sassy toddler. By night she writes, critiques, and edits like a boss. When she’s not doing any of those things, she’s a compulsive participant in the Carolinas Region of SCBWI and a regular Snarky Sue in online Pitch Contests. Dannie is a professional freelance editor who pens young adult and new adult fiction in Charlotte, North Carolina. She is represented by John M. Cusick of Folio Literary.   Dannie’s first page critique … Chapter 1: The Fallen Star Erickson did not want to be a hero. Intriguing opening line, cool character name, I’d keep reading. There he lay, face down in the mud, mumbling prayers to the stars. Shouts and the unholy clang of steel broke through his shaking hands. <-This sentence feels a little forced for me. Consider cleaning up. I’m not sure you need both the shouts and the clang here. (I like the clang better personally.) Particularly if we’re in the middle of an action sequence, concise, clear sentences convey that the world is changing quickly much better than verbose ones. He pressed his palms tight against his ears. <-If, for whatever reason, you decide you need to keep the previous sentence, this sentence should go before it. The sounds breaking through his shaking hands don’t make sense until we know his palms are pressed tight against his ears. He wasn’t about to charge the field with the rest of his company and be hacked to bits. Oh, Erikson, I wanted to like you. But this tells me you’re in the army (presumably by your own decision?) and you don’t want to fight. I’m going to need to know why quickly to keep liking you, since you’re bailing on your company, which is sort of hugely wrong. He was proud enough to call Isonia home, but his country’s feud with the Farrei empire was none of his concern. When the imperial prince attacked the fort, General Brise called Erickson’s company to action. Wow, there’s a lot of information to unpack...

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