Day Four of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors… Roselle Kaes & Jeanmarie Anaya
Jul06

Day Four of July’s First Page Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors… Roselle Kaes & Jeanmarie Anaya

Welcome to the July First Page Workshop with some of our past and present PitchWars mentors. From a Rafflecopter lottery drawing, we selected many wonderful writers to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued a first page for one lucky writer. The writers are anonymous. Follow along all month to view the first page critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques … Roselle Kaes Website | Twitter  Roselle Kaes is passionate about food and her Chinese-Filipino heritage. Inspired by her late great grandfather, she wrote HUNGER as a tribute to him. She completed the manuscript with major revisions and the help of her critique partners. She is a graduate of Humanities and History at York University. When she is not writing, she is embroidering, illustrating, and chasing after her husband, daughter, and fluff beast of a cat on the north shore of Lake Erie. Roselle’s Critique… Silence echoed around the empty waiting room. (This opening line lacks punch/dynamic power. You want something memorable and something that sets the tone for the rest of your MS. Write an impactful and unique first line to catch your reader’s eye.)            What the hell had possessed her to think she could do this? Possibly the most important meeting in her entire life, and she’d chosen to come alone. (When you start off with a tense situation or anything that puts your MC into a stressful corner, you want the reader to have stakes involved to get the biggest payoff. Right now, since it’s the beginning, we know nothing about Bree yet for the payoff to happen. Context would have been a bit more preferable in the opening. I’d almost want to start your MS with the great internal monologue you have below.) ‘Brianna Mills?’ asked a woman, popping her head around the door. Bree forged a smile, one she’d practiced far too many times. ‘That’s me,’ she answered, her voice sounding a little too cheerful. ‘I’m Mrs. Newman, one of the post adoption team members here. Can you come this way, please?’ Mrs. Newman walked along the corridor to another room, as drab and unwelcoming as the waiting area (This is telling. You need a description here. Right now, the setting is very nebulous. You would want sensory details- anything to establish a descriptive setting that puts the reader right into Bree’s world), and seated herself behind a large desk piled high with papers. ‘Please take a seat, I won’t keep you a moment,’ she told Bree while rummaging in her paperwork and files. Bree...

Read More