July Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Karma Brown & Stephanie Scott!
Jul23

July Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Karma Brown & Stephanie Scott!

Welcome to the July Query & 1st Page Workshop with some of our PitchWars mentors. We selected many wonderful writers from a drawing held in June to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued either a query or first page for two writers. The writers are anonymous and the titles/genres are hidden. Follow along all month to view the critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques …   Karma Brown Website | Twitter KARMA is an award-winning journalist and freelance writer, who probably spends too much time on her laptop in coffee shops. When not writing, she can be found running with her husband, coloring (outside the lines) with her daughter, or baking yet another batch of banana muffins. Karma lives just outside Toronto, Canada with her family, and her women’s fiction debut, COME AWAY WITH ME, hits shelves July 2015 (MIRA/Harlequin Books).   Karma’s critiques …   #Critique #49 – Query: Dear Mr. /Ms. …….., I am writing to you because I have read your profile on the…………… website. <= Good! Now tell agent what it was about his/her profile that made you send this query. Just keep it short and sweet. My {insert word count} novel, Our Man in Malacca OUR MAN IN MALACCA, is an espionage thriller. <= I might put this line up in your introduction, then get right to the story in the next paragraph. [new paragraph) This Cold War era tale is set in Malacca, Hong Kong, Sulawesi, Singapore, Manila and Bali. <= This feels like info better suited to the end of this section. The Organization’s man in Malacca is Donald Leonard. **I think this is stronger opening line for your ‘what is this book about?’ section => When (who is this guy? Maybe a quick detail or two to give us an idea of who our main character is) Donald Leonard responds to an innocuous employment ad in the San Francisco Chronicle he believes he is applying for a job with a private shipping company. After a succession of escalating and sometimes bizarre interviews he is recruited into the Organization (what’s the “Organization”?). I’d like to hear a little more about these “bizarre interviews” – keep it short, but inject a compelling detail or two that lets us know this is definitely NOT a private shipping company. You said this is a thriller, and your query should showcase that! He works and travels undercover, in due course, throughout Asia as a coffee bean merchant. So, he just accepts this undercover gig? How is...

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