July Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Jaye Robin Brown & Kara Leigh Miller!
Jul09

July Workshop with Pitch Wars Mentors … Jaye Robin Brown & Kara Leigh Miller!

Welcome to the July Query & 1st Page Workshop with some of our PitchWars mentors. We selected many wonderful writers from a drawing held in June to participate in the workshop. Each mentor has graciously critiqued either a query or first page for two writers. The writers are anonymous and the titles/genres are hidden. Follow along all month to view the critiques. We welcome comments and further suggestions, but please keep them kind and respectful. Here are the next two mentors and their critiques … Jaye Robin Brown Website Twitter Jaye Robin Brown, or Jro to her friends, lives and writes in the mountains north of Asheville, North Carolina. When not writing, you can find her in the art room of the high school where she teaches, or chilling on her fourteen acre farm. Her debut young adult novel, NO PLACE TO FALL, comes out December 9, 2014 from Harper Teen. It’s about dreams, singing, friendship, love, betrayal, family, and mistakes. It’s also a love song to small town girls and mountain music, both of which shape the area that Jaye now calls home. Signed pre-orders are available from Malaprops bookstore in Asheville, NC.  http://www.malaprops.com/book/9780062270993     Jaye’s critiques …   Critique #9 – Query: Just another day in Purgatory (Not sure this line is needed, I found it a bit confusing, think it’s better to jump into the “what” of the story, or turn it into a full sentence, “For Del, every day is just another…..”) Del (depending on what you do above, this may need to change to she) hates her job ferrying souls from Purgatory to Heaven–she deserves to be an angel, but she was unable to control her earthly vices when she lived. (Think you should have a period after Heaven, lose the double dash (and em dashes are joined, on a Mac it’s shift+option+dash) The next bit is an opportunity for voice. How does Del say she deserves to be an angel? Is she sassy? Can we hear that? Also what specific earthly vice or vices was she unable to control – be more specific. This will give us an insight into her character and is an opportunity to snag the reader.) Now she’s stuck with the consequences, until Archangel Gabriel offers her a chance to investigate mysterious deaths of pure souls. (Maybe here is a chance to reference the universe imploding?) If she can find out who’s behind the deaths, she might have a shot at her angelic dream (and saving the universe?). (can you be more specific about this angelic dream – what exactly would she gain – think of one or...

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